Angry

I hate my daughter's father. He does whatever he can to make my life miserable and at the same time doing as little as he can to be a father. He makes me drive 2 hours out of my way just to pick up $50.00. He refuses to mail me any money and he will not put the money on a pre paid credit card. He purposely makes me come hours out of my way just to inconvienience me, on the rare occasion he decides to help me. He spends zero time with my daughter. I mean he sees her for a total of like 10 minutes once a year. Child support? forget it. I don't even know what that is. I have been a single mother from the moment I found out I was pregnant and it still does not get any easier. I am trying not to hold onto anger towards him but it is so hard. I keep my cool with him no matter what. I am always cordial ( and he is always extremly rude to me ) . I don't badmouth him to my daughter , even tho I could make her hate him if I told her all that he refuses to do for her. I try to take the high road but he makes it so very hard. He is a drain on my spirit and I am upset with myself that I let him affect my mood.

House Hunting

I was unsuccessful in buying a home last year do to various reasons. This year I am trying again . I want to do now it so I can qualify for the 2009 first time home buyer tax credit . I can't believe how fierce the competition is out here. I have put in offers on homes and I am always out bid. I even go over the asking price. The really good homes that are reasonably priced usually have anywhere from 30-40 offers on them . So I am no having much luck right now. I haven't given up yet but sometimes I fell like it . I am even looking at condos . I was against condos cause of the association fees and it just seems like a waste to me . But I have relented and the realtor is taking me condo looking after work today . Wish me luck . Boy I am on a posting roll today .

The Scale

I had to take the scale out of my bathroom cause I was driving myself nuts. When I first bought the scale I didn't know that you were supposed to weight yourself at the same time every day and that time should be in the morning . I also didn't know that clothes can add as much as 5 pounds. I was getting really frustrated cause the number on the scale was not dropping fast enough to suit me. So I have decided to only weigh myself once every two weeks and hopefully I will see a 5-10 pound difference. I just wish the weight was dropping faster. I am too impatient and I want instant results, even though it took me years to get this fat , I want the fat gone sooner than it is leaving.

I took a few pictures of myself at the beginning of the month and took pics of me after my loss and I can't see a difference. I think because I have so much fat that I won't see a difference in myself or my clothes until I have lost at least 40 pounds. I can't tell a difference in my clothes now and I wish I could. I also bought some hand weights yesterday to try and tone my arms. I know that I will need to incorporate some strength training and toning to help with the extra skin I will have. I think I will join a gym at that time as I think a trainer would be better able to help me get firm .

Also I wonder if I will lose my cellulite when I finally reach a significant loss. I hope I do cause I hate the way my thighs look. Oh and my cottage cheese butt too.

My Food For Sunday

I didn't really work out today. I seem to really slack off over the weekends. I had sloppy Joe's and I was so upset with myself because I am trying to lay off bread. I still stayed within my calories for the day. I am just at 1200 for the entire day. Here is what I had for dinner. 4 ounces of boneless baked pork chops, 1 cup of mashed potatoes( I need the potassium, my water pills is depleting mine) and a whole can of green beans. The potatoes were instant and I added no butter. I really miss bread. I used to buy thick cut french toast bread and spread it with butter and Parmesan cheese and toast it and it was so good. I used to eat four pieces of that at a time. I seem to be obsessed with food and all the food I will no longer let myself have. At this point in time I can't even have the foods I like in moderation. I don't think I can control myself. Dinner was good.

The beginnings of a new me

I have tried to lose weight many times before. I was never successful. I would try fad diet, diet pills, starvation. All the wrong things including no exercise. Well in August of 2009 I went to the doctor because my feet were swelling . I wanted to rule out a heart condition. Now every time I went to the doctor I always turned my back to the scale and I would tell the nurse to not tell me my weight but to just record it in my chart. But this time I received a print out of my visit and it had my weight. It was a whopping 287 pounds !!!! I knew I was fat but I had no idea just how fat I was. During that visit I also had blood work done. That was when I found out I was pre diabetic and had high cholesterol.

So now I really have to change my eating habits and my lifestyle. It has been hard and I have only been doing it for one month. I love my food. I love to bake and desserts are my favorite thing. I do miss all my fatty fried cheesy foods. I know that I should allow myself a treat every now and then in moderation but right now I can't. I realize that I am an over eater and most likely a food addict. I realize that I use food as a crutch. I snack and munch when I am bored. If I am upset I want something sweet to make me feel good. If I am upset food soothes my soul.

So now I need to find a healthy way to deal with my emotions. I know that this will be a long hard road. 144 pounds is a huge amount of weight to lose and so far I have lost 17 pounds. I had wanted to lose 20 by my birthday in November and I am almost there and it is not yet October.

I struggle to drink my 64 ounces of water a day. I panic if I go over 1200 calories a day and I should be eating 1600. It is funny because before I would have consumed 1600 calories in one meal before my diagnosis. I also started to work out. Every morning I do a one mile walk or I ride my stationary bike. I also am using resistance bands . The weekends are particularly hard cause I find myself really trying to control what I eat . At work it is easier because I can only eat the foods that I have brought from home, but at home I can pretty much eat whatever I want.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish . I feel like I have already taken steps on a thousand mile journey and that 17 pounds is a start .